Stories of Healing

52-year-old mother of mine had a lump in left breast- infiltrating ductal carcinoma on September 2015. She had no family history, no comorbidities, vegetarian, emotionally fit, highly energetic well-educated lady with two kids I being the elder one. She underwent a breast conservation surgery with sentinel lymph nodal biopsy and was found to have a triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC). She developed brain metastasis (2016) which was treated with Whole-brain radiation therapy with stereotactic radiosurgery. She had oto-mastoiditis as a complication of radiation therapy needing myringotomy (october2017). She had metastasis to T11 vertebral body and segment VIII of liver. She developed altered sensorium, vomiting and was found to have increased brain metastatic lesions on MRI. Later stages of her illness she was bed bound with bed sores and was getting Ryle’s tube feeds. She died despite non- stop chemotherapy.

My dad as a primary care giver is a real hero who struggled to save her despite being from middle socioeconomic status managing his work and our studies single handedly. He had lot of struggles, but the primary motto was saving his wife! My mother was a sweet lovable person of all, we really miss you! I wish u could see my marriage and been with my kids and played with them. We still feel your absence.

We could have opted for palliative care early and prevented you from getting lot of pain and suffering. We are sorry for that! Please come back. Wish that was possible!!!

We lost my father in law 4 years ago. He was a very kind soul and I always felt sad that I never got a lot of time with him. We went through 18 months of watching my once active father in law, just fade away. It was so very tough and traumatic to go through so many hospitalizations. It was hard to watch him bein poked and prodded for tests. We thought we would find peace if he passed and didn’t suffer. But dealing with loss is not that simple, is it?
Apu, our son, was born 1 year after my father in law passed. I see a lot of my father in law’s characteristics in him. Apu loves being around people. He wants everyone to come home. He wants everyone to be together. Apu is so very kind and empathetic. He even asks his toy dog- are you okay. Apu has a smile that lights up a room. Everyone loves being around him. Seeing Apu, I know my father in law doesn’t just care for us from above. Nope! He definitely came back to us as our son. The pain we felt on losing my father in law has slowly faded and our hearts are being patched up thanks to Apu.

Grief is never linear, it is also the price we pay for love. Healing from a loss is hard but with a tad bit of mindfulness it is possible to derive meaning from loss. My journey of healing began when I finally started accepting the loss of my father. Healing is a bittersweet feeling where life compells you to move forward and yet you find comfort in holding onto most cherished memories. I also tried to imbibe some of the qualities of my dear father and this was my way of carrying forward his legacy. I still have my days where I have my breakdowns and I allow myself to completely engross in it and it’s absolutely okay to do so.