Is there a standard prescription for how to grieve or, how long to grieve??

Is there a standard prescription for how to grieve or, how long to grieve??

– Dr Lipika Patra, Meerut

After 20 long years, I am finally gathering the courage to speak about my grief and loss. Recently, a 34 week pregnant colleague of mine experienced a tragedy. One night, she noticed the absence of fetal movement and was rushed to the hospital. The investigations confirmed every expectant parent’s worst fear—there was an intrauterine fetal demise (IUFD). When I visited her, she kept asking, “Why me ma’am?” Her pain was raw and heart-wrenching. I didn’t have the words to fix the situation, nor did I have a magical phrase to make it all better. All I could do was hold her hands and allow her to ‘feel heard’. You see, Grief demands to be felt, and sometimes, the most powerful support we can offer one, is to simply be there by quietly holding space for someone as they process their pain.

There isn’t just one way to grieve

Her question brought back memories of my personal loss. I got married, just after completing my final year of MBBS; and during my internship, we were eagerly anticipating the arrival of our first child. However, just hours after delivery, we lost our baby. I was unconscious for two days. When I woke up, I was shocked, became numb, and was in denial. The loss was so sudden and unexpected that it felt incomprehensible. I realised that grief was not only incredibly isolating, but that it also amplified feelings of loneliness. I felt alienated as I watched the world ‘move on’ while I was trapped in pain. While I watched my MBBS batchmates prepare for their postgraduate exams filled with aspirations, I quietly grappled the concepts of death, dying, and “why me“.

Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no set timeline for healing. For me, grief was prolonged and intense, and overshadowed my ability to cope and function in daily life. During the two long years it lingered, it took away my capacity to lead a happy married life or maintain a professional career. While searching for relief, I sought external accomplishments, hoping that they would soothe my inner turmoil—but, as expected, it didn’t work. Adding to the challenge was the pervasive stigma surrounding grief, especially in a culture that pressures people to quickly return to normalcy. You see, though cultural norms shape how we mourn and dictate the timeline for grief, yet, they fail to capture the individuality of a loss. Also, I truly understood that grief wasn’t a linear process, and that there was no fixed formula for how to grieve, or how long it should take, or how exactly to ‘move on’.

Navigating multiple Losses: A Journey of Grief, Love, and Remembrance

Grief is a deeply personal and transformative experience. Looking back, I realize that my journey from sorrow to reflection and to eventually heal was possible due to the unwavering support of my parents, my spouse, and my beloved pet dog, Riny. They stood by me in the darkest moments, guiding me toward a path that felt like “closure” or at least a way to keep moving forward. Riny was my solo companion in my grief journey; we had shared countless silent conversations and had dreamed together.

Within a few years, I faced another painful chapter in my life when both my mother and Riny succumbed to malignancy. When I reflect upon the loss of these two cherished souls, I realize how profoundly they had shaped my life. Losing my mother was an irreplaceable loss, and losing Riny felt like saying goodbye to a daughter. When Riny’s suffering became unbearable, we made the heartbreaking decision to put her down to relieve her from her suffering due to severe pain, a fungating wound, and a malignant bowel obstruction. Again, the journey through my mother’s loss was excruciating; signing the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order, moving her out of the ICU, managing her terminal delirium, initiating palliative sedation, and finally witnessing the end.

Grief is a long process, and even if there are years in between one’s losses, the effect may still be a compound one.

Accepting one’s feelings as they are, and processing them fully is always most important. Grief touches everyone in unique ways, but what remains constant is the way we choose to remember those who we’ve lost—by carrying forward their love, wisdom, and essence in our daily lives.                                                                                  

Tying together the personal journey and the impact of palliative care

From my own journey, I’ve learned that grief has no expiration date—it cannot simply be locked away or forgotten. It is also not something that can be conquered or buried beneath distractions. Instead, it demands acknowledgment, processing, and care. Avoiding it only delays the journey towards recovery.

My experience in palliative care has taught me perseverance, given me the strength to make the right decisions, and helped me navigate life’s toughest moments. It has also offered me a profound perspective on grief—one that highlights it’s depth and meaning. It is incredible how the love and wisdom we receive from those we have lost continue to guide and influence us, even in their absence. Most importantly, it is essential to be patient and compassionate with yourself, allowing emotions to run their course. Over time, we create a ‘new normal’—one that honors both the love we’ve shared and the losses we’ve endured.

Finding ways to cope

Coping with a single loss is challenging enough, but when you face multiple losses—whether simultaneously, in rapid succession, or years apart—the weight of cumulative grief can feel overwhelming. Each loss must be grieved individually, as attempting to process multiple losses at once can lead to ‘grief overload’, resulting in numbness, emotional exhaustion, or an inability to fully absorb the newer loss. Grief isn’t about forgetting or erasing the loss; it is about learning to live and find meaning despite the absence of a loved one. Several times one may even surprise themselves with the realisation of how strong one actually is. ‘Moving on’ does not mean leaving memories behind; it actually means that you carry them with you as you rebuild a life shaped by love, resilience, and the lessons grief has taught you.

Grieving is like navigating a road without a GPS—there is no predefined path, and one must find their own way, doing what feels right for them. Above all, remember that you don’t have to walk this journey alone.